Life Begins Anew

A year ago, give or take a few months, I began my new life. My new, independent, fulfilling adult life. 

Graduating university was it's own milestone, but more so the relief of it ending, rather than the sadness fit being over. University dragged me through the metaphorical blender for three wretched years of my life, but I left with some good friends and, despite all the odds, a first in my degree. Overall, it was a fine experience. Would I recommend doing it? Probably not. Would I do it again? Also, no. However, I did do it, and I'm glad I stuck with it. 

As soon as I left uni things began to piece together; I moved into a reasonably priced zone 2 London flat, I succeeded in finding a job away from a gastropub, I booked my first big job. One by one, things began to fall into place amidst the waves of chaos that always seem to follow me. The sea calmed, the chaos settled. Although a strong current would sometimes knock my emotions momentarily into disaster, they always righted themselves. 

Despite it all, I'm thriving. 

I've come to understand the method to this very acute type of madness; I'm driven by pure spite and determination. 

All those people that pushed me away, all that petty trauma I hold onto still, that used to drag me down into self pity and loneliness, it drives me. I have to keep that trauma with me for the rest of my life? Fine. Let it fuel me. Let it drive me to succeed and make all those people that shrugged me off wish they had taken more notice. 

So, spite. 

I want things. I want things so badly that sometimes I feel as if I might explode out of the intensity of that want. So, my options are to either sit around and do nothing, or work for it. So I work. I've seen the possibilities of hard work, I've been fortunate to reap the rewards more often than not. Working hard, doing good, and believing in yourself works. 

Hence: determination. 

I'm a work in progress. It's hard not to chase the finished product when you know it's waiting, and it's hard not to rush. But I'm trying. I'm doing what I can, and pushing myself further. 

Perhaps one of these days I can let go of the spite and determination, and just enjoy riding the waves with my mind clear. 

It's a nice thought.